As I choked out those words this morning, and left Charlie in the capable arms of his new teacher, I knew that today was the day. The day that I have been dreading ever since Charlie was a newborn baby safe in my arms. I remember nursing him one night at 2am and counting how many years we would have together before he would start school. At the time, it seemed like we would have forever.
Today that newborn baby started kindergarten.
Today is proud, today is sacred, today is tomorrow.
As parents, we mark time by today.
Watching my children get ready for school brings back vivid memories of my own youth. I can smell the Pine Sol that Mr. Nolan used to mop the floors at my elementary school, I can feel the cling of my Gloria Vanderbilt bell bottoms, and I can taste the fear and excitement that were so tightly knit together in the pit of my stomach as I entered junior high.
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| My mother assures me this style was all the rage in the 70's! |
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| Obviously the fashionista of my time! |
Don't get me wrong, I love to watch my children "bloom and grow".
No, really, I do, but it does tug at my heartstrings, and, this morning as Charlie put on his big-boy backpack and bounded out the door for his first day of school, there was a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart (OK, and tears streaming down my face)!
I am so sad not to have a baby at home anymore; I feel as if I have suddenly lost my purpose -- my raison d'etre. On this first day of kindergarten, I remember the holy moment of Charlie's birth when his journey in life was brand new, when time seemed limitless.
Today, time passed through my eyes as I walked Charlie to school. The first day of kindergarten is a venerable right of passage that signals the end of babyhood and bestows a new identity on all who enter. For the next 18+ years, Charlie will identify himself by his position on the educational ladder: "Hi, my name is Charlie, I am a kindergartner ... I am a 4th grader ... I am a freshman, a senior, a graduate student ..." No longer will he hold up fingers to tell the world his status.
My first kindergartner will walk through the doors of middle school this year and enter 7th grade,
my next kindergartner will be the king of his elementary school this year as a 5th grader,
and my last (until today) kindergartner will go "upstairs" to a 3rd grade classroom this year.
Time passes in the beat of a heart. What this first day of school teaches us parents year after year, is that nothing is ever ours to keep.
Our children are not ours alone, as they were when they were babies -- they become citizens of the world, independant of us.
What seems like an eternity passes in the blink of an eye. Today as I mourn the baby that Charlie was, I celebrate the man that he will become. I know it will happen much too fast, and that, all too soon, I will be writing a blog about my baby going to college. Hopefully his big brother and sisters will always be there to protect him in places that I can't.
I wonder what you are doing now,
and if everyone
is treating you kind.
I hope there is a special person
a nice friend that you can find.
I wonder if the teacher knows
just how special you are to me,
and if the brightness of your heart
is something she can see.
I wonder if you are thinking about me,
and if you need a hug?
I already miss the sound of your voice
And how you give my leg a tug.
I wonder if you could possibly understand
how hard it is for me to let you grow.
On this day, know that my heart breaks
for this is the first step in letting my baby go.
Oh, how I wish I could make you stay 5 forever.
I wish that you would always reach for my hand when you cross the street.
I wish that I could always make your boo-boos go away with a kiss.
I hope that you will always wear your favorite superhero costume with pride,
no matter what it may be,
and that you will always be my little woo-woo and choo-choo man.
I am so very proud of you today and always ...
I loved you before I even met you.
I love you Charlie ... I always have, and I always will.
xox Mommy
PS -- You are going to rock kindergarten!
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